The beginning has just begun..

I have not contributed to the blog for almost a year. But I did not regret.. Who dictates that we need to write blog so often? This is my blog and I will write it as and when I like.

Excuses.

Well, as usual, I have thought of coming in to pen down my thoughts. I will just leave what is past to the past and concentrate on the present.

In a few days time, I will be attending the graduation ceremony, wearing the gown with the mortarboard. The owl's attire as I used to joke about. And I will officially announce to the world that I am a graduate!

C'mon.. This is just the beginning of your working life. What is so great about it?

It is true. In a few days time, I will have to go to work early in the morning and return late at night. I will be looking forward to the weekend every week and hope that the pay day will come soon. A typical working adult life. Why should I be happy about graduating? In fact, I will be facing the reality of life soon.

Nevertheless, I think it is time for me to experience the world, after 16 years of education. I have been sheltered in school, doing projects imitating the real world scenarios, presenting to the professors and fellow classmates instead of real bosses and customers, mugging for examinations with study break instead of having to mug and deliver business results at the same time. How exciting it can be to see the real world finally! Isn't this the objective of getting the degree?

I can feel that something is going to change my life.. again. It is something that I have experienced just before my NS enlistment and before entering into SMU. Yet it is so remotely different. Heard someone said before that this is another leap in our life, a very big leap indeed.

Random thoughts

Went to one of the annual hungry ghost festival dinner tonight with my parents. Quite reluctant to go at first, but went after considering that it would be a decent dinner for me.

Not many young people around.. This is usually the case now.. The participants are usually aunties and uncles (My parents generation). I have no topics to talk with them and I am very amazed that they are able to pick up conversations easily even though they might not meet one another before. Their topics would revolve around "Anybody still around?" and things like that... and their conclusion would usually be "How long will we live is all predestined?"

I did not pay much attention to this hypothesis that they have made because nobody can prove whether this statement is true. But I have thought of a Chinese saying which goes, you never bring anything when you are born and you will not bring anything with you when you are dead.. If this statement is true, do we need to be so uptight by things such as wealth, authority and career aspirations? Can we bring them into the grave with us?...

Trapped in expectations

About ten years ago, I was told from a teacher that I need to be more confident to succeed in life. Five years ago, I was told by my army buddy that I can be more arrogant so that I can overcome any challenges. Few years ago, a professor has asked me to be more confident so that I can present better..

Their advices are good and I have gained a lot of achievements. Can do fairly well in studies, overcome obstacles in army and do what I want to do. I would not say I am a very confident person, but I can say that it can tide me through most of the obstacles so far in life. However, my expectations of myself have also increased tremendously, to a point where I might collapse if I ever hit a setback. And indeed, I am...

I was quite depressed yesterday. Too many things have happened and I realized that I am unable to meet the expectations that I have set for myself. I was pessimistic, feeling weak, tired and bleak of the future. I tried to ask myself, why am I in such deep shit now? Why I could not just set average expectation like anyone else and live normally? Didn't I have told myself that I would want to live like a normal person a few months back?

After much thinking, I realized that I have been living to the expectation of other people. What other people believe I can do, I will go for it. I do not know what I want to have in my life. I am concerned of what other people expect of me and I would set a higher expectation of myself. She was right, to say that I have been running fast and I have been pushing myself to run even faster. Eventually, I would collapse. She reminded me that it is a blessing to lead a normal life yesterday, which I have forgotten while I am in this rat race. Yes indeed.. that is what I need. But if I stop now, i might lose everything that I have.. To let go or not to let go.

Watched a clip on some moral story on why monkeys are being trapped. The hunter placed a few bottles with rice such that the neck is just nice for a monkey to put in its hand. That night, many monkeys came and tried to take the rice. They put in their hands and grabbed the rice. However, they were not able to remove their hand from the bottle if they grab the rice. In the end many of the monkeys are stuck. Only a few monkeys are clever enough to let go of the rice and escape from the trap. Am I the monkey now in this scenario?

A senior told me once.. I am strong in materialistic sense but I am weak spiritually.. Spiritual in the sense that I can control what I want... even to let go when I am about to achieve the goal. I would lead a happy life if I am able to achieve such balance.

"Don't need to live up to others expectations. The first thing to overcome it is to overcome yourself. If you can't manage yourself, you cannot manage others.." I will remember her words...

Data Entry

The job for today is basically data entry.. I think my speed has improved tremendously No other interns around.. Feeling a bit boring, but luckily there are new people coming in.

The customer service officer called, very polite.. Well, I will give them another chance :)

Poor Service Quality

I am very disturbed and disappointed by the service quality that I have received today. Maybe because I had experience two extreme cases in the same morning.. One very good and one very bad. Now I understand why customers are very frustrated when the company does not treat its customers seriously.. I was on the verge of terminating the policy on the spot. I was very tired after the whole incident and went back to sleep immediately in the late afternoon...

Asking for more works

Today, as usual, went to the managers to ask for work. Surprisingly, he has works for me and I was very happy. Although some of these tasks are outright SK, I don't mind.. At least I don't feel guilty siting down there doing nothing.. even to the extent of OT. I feel that I learn a lot today... and I'm feeling tired.. TGIF..BUT! Tomorrow still need to go to SMU.. I am really asking for it.

Maybe not for me...

Have been in office for my internship for quite some time.. Nothing for me to do actually and that explains why I can find time to blog during office hour. I have wanted to find more work but either it is too high level or too troublesome to be delegated... I admit myself to be a workaholic, maybe this job is not for me... or maybe I come in at the wrong time, during the lull period....

Journey not the Destiny

I just came across a blog of a senior today. I can relate to most of the things that he blogs and I think it helps me to understand myself more. Maybe I am wrong to view things in the past....

I always work for the things that I want and I usually forgo the journey along the way.. Sometime I am confused by what I am doing and question myself whether reaching the destination is worth the effort.. Maybe a better way to look at it is to know the path that I am walking and enjoy the scenery along the journey.. A longer journey could be more worthwhile than taking faster route to reach the destination. Don't let the destiny controls you.. From now onwards, I will control my journey and my destiny.

I will blog everyday from now onwards, even if it is short, I will learn more about myself this way.

A place in life

Read the book on "the Alchemy".. There are many learning points from the simple story. One of them talks about destiny and that not many people pursue their destiny. The reason for not doing so is simply that people cannot get out of their comfort zone. People rather stay status quo, don't fight the norms and most importantly, they do not "talk" to their hearts to understand what they need.

Rational people think with their brains and not their hearts. Thinking logically with the brain is good.. but understanding what the heart wants is equally important. If you are met with a decision, the brain tells you to do "A" but the heart tells you to do "B".. which would you choose?

I suppose this is applicable to many decisions that we have made or would be making in life. For now, making career decision is critical for me and most of my peers. Most people pursue their careers based on what the brain "tells" them. Go for one that can earn you the biggest bucks.. Go for one that can give you the fastest route to the corporate ladder.. Go for one that will get you the greatest NPV or the shortest payback period.. Well.. These are rational decisions. It helps to make you progress and these goals are relatively tangible.

There are also people who would go with their hearts... Go for one that I want... The question however is... what do you want? Helping people is what I want? Work life balance is what I want? Traveling around is what I want? Well.. I suppose this group of people would go with their hearts if they have the choice to do so.. Talk about inflation.. Talk about competitions.. Talk about survival... Do people still listen to their hearts?

There is another group of people who believe that they have a role to play in life. Can be some outcasts, can be some political leaders, can be some businessmen, can be some religious leaders.. They believe they exist in life because of some reasons and they pursue their dreams. They are different from people who follow the crowds and they believe in what they are doing, even if they differ from norms. They want to do the job, even if nobody wants to do.. Be it low pay, low social status... but they find peace because they know that it is their role, their destiny. Confucius says something like do the role that you are supposed to be in.. the leader should behave like the leader, the follower should behave like a follower... the parent behaves like a parent, the child behave like a child. Believing is a powerful force that drives you to what you want. However, the challenge is.. what is your belief? What is your destiny? What is your place in life?

Finding new direction..

A lot of things have happened for the past few days.. WZ was injured.. Hwee and his family were back... Man Chun was back also... internship was becoming more stagnant... FYP getting more busy..

Somehow.. this summer is different from the previous summers.. It is the last summer that I am going to have and time seems to past very slowly. I begin to pick up new hobbies, such as learning languages and reading fictional books/biographies. I suppose it is a good start towards work-life balancing and I hope that the habit would stay with me.

Random thoughts in Hong Kong

Just some random thoughts when I was having exchange in Hong Kong:

To be successful in life, you need to have capabilities and credibility...

Focus in 5F:
Family, Friends, Fortune, Food, Flight/Fun

Reflecting in front of the campfire

Like every other person, we have preoccupied so many activities in our lives and seldom can find time to do self-reflection. It has been some time since I have paid attention to this blog, just like
I have not gone for a campfire for a long time. However, I still remember the fond memories that I have. Yesterday, while I was talking to my friends, I realized that I have missed out a lot on these reflections and they would be forgotten soon if I do nothing about it. I think it is about time for me to rekindle this blog and I have changed its name to the source of memories.

When I was in NPCC, I would always look forward to the annual campfire night. I enjoyed the atmosphere, the warmth and the moments with my friends, singing and dancing happily around the campfire. In particular, I liked to stare at the fire and reflect on myself. It is similar to looking at the river flow and listening to the sound of the flowing water.. But there is something special about the fire, that it will warm and smooth my heart...

Sometime the fire became weaker and we would add the firewood to "keep the fire going". For every firewood added to the flame, the fire becomes stronger and more memories appear in my mind. It is a source of energy that keeps me warm and adds incredible meanings to my life. This is one of the reasons I like about my nickname, firewood.

Thoughts and Feelings

For many years, the bird wants to fly high and far. He wants to see the beauty of the world and he knows that this is what he wants. Everyday, he looks towards the sea horizons to motivate himself. He always put in the extra efforts to make sure that he can fly fast and steady so that he can withstand the strong wind and rain. The bird grows stronger each day and he knows that his determination will make his dream comes true one day.

Through his friend, the bird met a sparrow and they fell in love. They flew together, ate together and played together. The bird felt fortunate to have such a wonderful companion with him. For many months, the bird has thought that the sparrow was happy with him as long as they are together. So he continued to focus on his training.

One day he found a good opportunity to fly out into the open sea. He was very excited to know about this. He told all his friends about it and of course to the sparrow who was all along supporting him. The sparrow wanted the bird to stay but she knew that this is his dream to fly out there. The bird convinced the sparrow that the trip would not be too long and he will fly back soon.

Just before the bird was going to fly off, he had a quarrel with the sparrow. The sparrow felt that the bird loved her but the bird did not understand her. She had problems telling her problems to the bird because the bird had always been very critical and did not think from her feeling and perspective. She wanted to fly high as well but she always had the problems of doing so. She wanted the bird to console her but the bird had always been criticizing her, making her feel that she was at fault all the while. She had also always felt stressed up because she wanted to spend more quality time with him, but her training had not allowed her to do so. And the bird had always focused on his training such that he had neglected her. It seems that both the bird and the sparrow are living in two different worlds. She finally told the bird of all these feelings.

The bird was very shocked and hurtful to hear about this... All along he had thought that the sparrow was happy with him. In the midst of training, he had lost track of time and feeling. He only focused on flying and paddling his wings. He had always felt that he was strong but the words of the sparrow crippled his wings. He felt that he was a very irresponsible partner in this relationship. Probably before that the bird felt that everything was alright because he was enjoying the relationship and so he assumed that the sparrow was enjoying. Probably the bird had concentrated too much of his training such that he had neglected her feeling. When the sparrow shared her problems with the bird, the bird had no intentions to hurt her. He just wanted her to be independent, to solve the problems and to grow and fly as high as him. What he did not know and that he had realized later is that the sparrow just needs to have a listening ear. She needs the quality time and attention, and most importantly the understanding of the bird.

Somehow, the misunderstanding could have arose because of the different worlds that they are living in. The bird is living in a competitive world where every stroke of the wing matters a lot to him. What matters most to the bird is that as long as he can fly fast and steady, everything would be fine. On the other hand, the sparrow is living in a very emotional world where feeling matters most. She concerns more on how other people feel and her own feeling as well. Therefore she notices on the details of every actions that the bird has done whereas the bird just focused on the bigger pictures. The sparrow thought with her heart first whereas the bird thought with his brain first. Probably this is the reason why the bird has neglected some of the details that the sparrow had picked up.

The bird wanted to change his way of doing things but the sparrow had stopped him. The sparrow did not want the bird to change because of her. The bird was in a state of confusion and he did not know what to do and what the sparrow really wants from him. But he knew that he needed time to digest and think of what the sparrow had just told him. He just wanted to have a quiet personal moment. Before that he only had the time to fly and he did not have the time to stop and think. He had some time to think before he flew off into the big open sea...

New Year Resolution for 2007

I must first thank the blessings for everything in the year 2006. Although it is a hectic year for me, I have enjoyed every moment of it. Highlights of the year include going on the Sri Lanka Trip, going on the internship and most importantly, to get to know Wei Zhen.. Coming to the end of this year, I am thankful that everything has gone well so far.

We will be approaching the new year in a few minutes time. It is the time for me to set my new year resolution again. I have thought of it for the past few days but frankly speaking, I do not know what to set this time round. But I know I want to set some goals so that I can work towards it to have a more fruitful life.

In no orders of importance, these are my new year resolutions:

• Save money (~20% of Allowance)
  I need to save sufficient amount so that I can spend during my internship in Shanghai and probably during exchange in Hong Kong
• Spend more time with Wei Zhen
  As I will be away for internship and exchange, I won't be in Singapore for half of the year. It will be a year of travel and new experience for me and I need to spend more time with her this year. However, this is going to compromise because I think there is an ESSENTIAL needs for me to mug for the coming term. I suppose it is a good idea to spend time with her and mug together since she has to mug as well... Haiz.. What a mugging couple.
  
• More exercise + Less Diet
  Have been putting on weights since last summer and it is going to increase further if I do not monitor closely... I really hope that my schedule allows me to exercise thrice a week.. Once on weekend and Twice on weekdays. Diet wise, maybe can be controlled with my budget? Must really get back to reality... IPPT coming soon after graduation!
  
• Putting on smile daily
  I wonder if I can achieve this. This is to reduce stress.. But yeah.. I think if I can smile daily, everything will go smoothly.
• Enjoying every moment and experience
  Going on an internship and exchange will be fun and enriching... I hope to learn more and enjoy more at the same time. It will be a great moments and experience for me. I also want to enjoy every moment with Wei Zhen as well.
  

In addition, these are my wish-lists for this year. It is not a necessity but is a good to have.. And yeah, I must work towards in getting them =)

• Digital Camera to capture all the defining moments
  
• Hard Drive to backup all my data
• A pair of Spectacles
• Bicycle
• ... (Adding on to the lists)

Yeah.. That's all and it is new year now! Happy new year to everyone! Happy new year Steven!

Love is in the air...

Merry Christmas! I must say this Christmas is really special for me... Not only that I have experienced the snowing effects from the rain, I have also been able to spend my Christmas with someone I like. I will never forget this Christmas.

I have been enjoying myself this holiday. Possibly to make myself drunk in this holiday after the long battle last term. After the previous post, have almost finished the InnovateIT tasks (except on waiting for the offices to claim the cash). I have also intended to mug but I have always resisted myself in doing so.

But this holiday, like the Christmas, is memorable because it is when I have spent the most time with Weizhen so far. We have got together more often, cycled together and watched many great movies: "墨攻", "The Holiday" and "Night At the Museum".

Wei Zhen, Thank for your love and everything that you have done for me. I really appreciate a lot. Like what I have told you, I'm really worried we won't have time for each other after holiday. But I'll think of you always. This post is meant for you. And I also want to say: 和你在一起，我也感到很幸福. Merry Christmas. Love Always...

Love is illogical

Love requires no logic
because love is illogical..
People care for it, People look for it..
People worry for it, People long for it..
Why are so many people attracted to it...
and at the same time so many people troubled by it..
cos it is a amazing thing that is illogical..

What do I want in life?

Honestly speaking, I really don't know what do I want in life? Is it that difficult to know what I want in life?

Assets/Liabilities

Yesterday had a discussion with a friend.. We were discussing how does a relationship consider an asset or a liability. He was saying that if the other partner was behaving maturely, then he/she would be an asset, else liability.

However, I believe it is not true. Although we can say a personality can determine someone is an asset or liability (EQ), we cannot say that it is correlated in relationship(sounds like statistics). A boy may like another girl because she is innocent and he still treats her as his asset.

Perhap we shouldn't mix up relationship with economics term because one concerns emotional thinking and one concerns logical thinking. However, if you are attached now, do you consider your partner as an asset to you or a liability to you? If he/she is a liability to you, would you still like him/her? If you are still single now, having a relationship would be an asset to you, or would it be a liability to you?

Choices and Decisions

Choices and decisions... Why do we have to face choices and decisions all the time? In one day, we can face a lot of choices and make a lot of decisions based on these choices.

What am I going to be in the future?

What should I do today?

What course should I study?

Sometime, the choice is limited and is beyond our control. But in most of the cases, we do like many choices, but is that really good for us? What would happen if we made the wrong decision? I believe that there are not absolute right or wrong decision. If we made the wrong decision, it is the path that we have chosen and we should not regret. Who knows, it may not be that bad after all.

When I was just a little boy....

I still can vividly remember when I was just a small little kid, running around and playing with my brothers. As I was the youngest child in the family, my parents and my brothers dote on me the most. We were quite poor back then but we were living together happily.

I still can remember how nervous I was when I first stepped into the school. It was a school that my father and all my brothers studied in before. The buildings were a little old and recently, it is announced that it will be combined with another school in the neighbourhood. My father was quite sad of the merging because he held a strong relationship with the school ever since he was a primary school kid like me. He studied in the school and started working after graduation but he eventually came back to this primary school as a school bus driver.

I was brought to school everyday by my father with the other school children that he had received. Hence, I did not need to worry about my transportation. During recess time everyday, I would eat the bread that my mother put in my lunch box everyday and buy a bottle of yakult using the 50cents coin that she gave me. I was very shy at the beginning and refused to talk to any one in the class. However, as time goes by, I got to know of the other school kids and started talking and playing with them... Unfortunately, I do not get in touch with most of them now after I have graduated from the primary school...

During this period of time, I was living in a happy go lucky mood. It was during this period of time that I felt the most carefree and were enjoying myself the most. In addition, the standard of living in my family has improved great deal during this period of time. However, I had always hoped to grow up faster so that I can do many things that my brothers are able to... like staying out late and going for chalets etc... Indeed, before I knew it, I had taken the PSLE and entered my secondary school...