Trapped in expectations

About ten years ago, I was told from a teacher that I need to be more confident to succeed in life. Five years ago, I was told by my army buddy that I can be more arrogant so that I can overcome any challenges. Few years ago, a professor has asked me to be more confident so that I can present better..

Their advices are good and I have gained a lot of achievements. Can do fairly well in studies, overcome obstacles in army and do what I want to do. I would not say I am a very confident person, but I can say that it can tide me through most of the obstacles so far in life. However, my expectations of myself have also increased tremendously, to a point where I might collapse if I ever hit a setback. And indeed, I am...

I was quite depressed yesterday. Too many things have happened and I realized that I am unable to meet the expectations that I have set for myself. I was pessimistic, feeling weak, tired and bleak of the future. I tried to ask myself, why am I in such deep shit now? Why I could not just set average expectation like anyone else and live normally? Didn't I have told myself that I would want to live like a normal person a few months back?

After much thinking, I realized that I have been living to the expectation of other people. What other people believe I can do, I will go for it. I do not know what I want to have in my life. I am concerned of what other people expect of me and I would set a higher expectation of myself. She was right, to say that I have been running fast and I have been pushing myself to run even faster. Eventually, I would collapse. She reminded me that it is a blessing to lead a normal life yesterday, which I have forgotten while I am in this rat race. Yes indeed.. that is what I need. But if I stop now, i might lose everything that I have.. To let go or not to let go.

Watched a clip on some moral story on why monkeys are being trapped. The hunter placed a few bottles with rice such that the neck is just nice for a monkey to put in its hand. That night, many monkeys came and tried to take the rice. They put in their hands and grabbed the rice. However, they were not able to remove their hand from the bottle if they grab the rice. In the end many of the monkeys are stuck. Only a few monkeys are clever enough to let go of the rice and escape from the trap. Am I the monkey now in this scenario?

A senior told me once.. I am strong in materialistic sense but I am weak spiritually.. Spiritual in the sense that I can control what I want... even to let go when I am about to achieve the goal. I would lead a happy life if I am able to achieve such balance.

"Don't need to live up to others expectations. The first thing to overcome it is to overcome yourself. If you can't manage yourself, you cannot manage others.." I will remember her words...